So, you just got dumped and you’re pretty ticked – obviously. Why else would you be sitting in front of a computer screen Googling something like “how can I get revenge on my ex-girlfriend” instead of, you know, actually going out and getting it. But, you’re not thinking clearly. Your brain’s clouded with all sorts of jumbled up emotions. Rage, resentment, hostility – it’s all there. Truth be told, you’re probably a little hurt, too, even though you won’t admit it. It’s okay. I understand.

What you need to understand, though, is that women are pretty complex and a revenge trick that works on one woman might not work on, say, a thousand others.

Still, the general consensus is that living well – moving on with your life and actually finding ways to be happy – is really the only proven method for getting revenge on your ex-girlfriend. Your problem is that, clearly, you don’t know how to move on.

Fortunately for you, I do. Hope you aren’t easily offended.

1. For the love of self-respect, stop calling her!

First and foremost, put down the freaking phone. You claim you just want to know if she still has your old college football jersey – you’ve looked everywhere and you just can’t find it. But you and I both know exactly where it is – wadded up in a ball with the rest of your crusty laundry. Yet, because she slept in that ratty thing once something like a hundred years ago, you think calling her under the guise of trying to find it is perfectly believable.

But you know you’re lying, and guess what – she knows it, too. And because she knows you make up excuses just to call her, she’ll also know you’re moving on when you stop.

2. Become a productive member of society (or, at least take an active interest in your own life).

Now that you’re single, you’ve got a lot of free time on your hands. Instead of spending it camped out on your couch flipping back and forth between fights or catching up on all the video game time she knocked you out of (two tremendous pastimes that probably helped lead to you getting dumped in the first place, you lush), why not spend it doing something to better yourself?

Spruce up your resume and start the hunt for a better paying job. Enroll in night classes and start working on your Master’s. Throw yourself into a charity (chicks love sensitive guys, after all). Do something so that when you run into her again and she asks what you’ve been up to, you’ll actually have an interesting – and truthful – answer.

3. Take a long, hard look at your gut.

Look, you lazy slob: Zoning out in front of your computer and looking for ways to make your ex-girlfriend regret the day she ever broke up with you ain’t gonna cut it.

What’s that? You take breaks? Sure you do. But stalking her Facebook wall and repeatedly refreshing her page to see if she’s changed her relationship status from something as final as “Single” to something a little more inspiring like “It’s Complicated” also ain’t gonna cut it.

What you need to do is promptly disconnect your tail from your computer chair and hit the gym. Getting in shape and looking better will not only make you feel better, but it’ll also help you attract new women.

4. Take a rebound shot (or two, or three…)

Yeah, yeah, yeah – rebound relationships are doomed from the start. But you’re not looking for a wife – you’re looking to get back at the woman who broke your heart. Now that your midsection’s on it’s way to looking less like the Pillsbury Doughboy’s and a bit more like Brad Pitt’s in Fight Club, you’re ready to get out there.

Can’t seem to meet anyone? Don’t have a few you already keep on the wings? Call up one of your ex-girlfriend’s girlfriends. Just about every woman has that one friend who doesn’t always honor the “I Dumped Him But He’s Still Off Limits” code of conduct. You know it’s true. You probably already know which friend that is. And, hey – if she won’t go out with you, chances are she’ll slide a few candidates your way.

5. Fake it ’til you make it.

You’ve heard it before, and for good reason – it works.

Maybe you’re not in tiptop shape yet, but you’re working at it. Maybe you haven’t decided on a new way to spend your free time, but you’re checking out your options. Maybe you haven’t been on the first date since she left you, but that girl at the laundry mat winked at you last week. Bet she’d look cute in the jersey.

The point is that even if you’re not there yet, you’re on your way. Keep reminding yourself of that and not only will you stay focused, but you’ll also start feeling more confident. Confidence shows, and people take notice – including an ex-girlfriend who might start wondering why she dumped you in the first place.

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